A person-shaped hole, never collapsing.

The words are never easy to come up with.

I was 17 when I first got to meet him face to face. We had art together in second semester in 2013.

He was such a dynamic and insightful person. So many strong things to say.

He grew up to chase the dream. His art and passion flowed from him. His sister puts it best.

"If you knew Alec, you knew he loved taking the piss as much as the craft. "

He was such a promising and charismatic person, and he brought so much change, dynamic to so many people.

he had such a hard honest opinion that you hated hearing it. But fuck it was always so true, and so cutting that you

felt so compelled to work harder and harder.

We were never close per se, but his impression was... is. His impression is ever-lasting.

There was so much left unsaid, so many thoughts and ideas, insights, feelings.

But there is no telling what the present would be like due to the impossibility of changing the past.

Goodbye to someone so wonderful and unique, that the words remain difficult to come up with.

riffin on TV, shittin on Youtube.

YO IVE HAD AN AMAZING BREAKTHROUGH
I STILL DONT LIKE THING BUT I FIGURED OUT WHY I DONT LIKE HING
ITS A TV SHOW
AFTER FINDING A TV SHOW I LIKE, AND CAN RIFF ABOUT REALLY LONG
I CAN COMARE IT TO OTHER TV
AND GO
"HOLY FUCK"
like shit
ever notice how big bang theory has been on for like seven seasons but the characters havent done any development?
but community is like, fighting with its last breath for a season six, but after about four seasons, we have a completely different batch of relatable chucks to realte to and FEEL FEELINGS WITH?!

yo check it. incoming wall of text.
Im spitting mad bars on television.




im getting deep into the character development in community
and how well thought out it all was
how the characters interacted with each other, and left realistic impressions on eachother over time
lets start off with some things community did hella right to make itself stand out like it does.
i mean, i get that this is a total opinion thing, but i see some objective reasons why connecting with the show is way more mentally satisfying
this is me talking about community versus brooklyn nine nine, potentially my two favorite shows.
maybe cause its in a community college setting, where its easy to buy that sort of thing where people go to learn and grow from other people and that just doesnt cut it in the cop world
that sort of thing being
Brooklyn nine nine has potential cause of how motley and jumbled the casting is, and how well the chemistry amongst the actors balances out. but i feel like its writing is so like... skeletal and lacking. theyre a six that can jump to a nine if they put a little more thought into it.
im still in those early first breaths out of the womb with that show though.
maybe every actor will stop being in their own little bubble and finally start to leave slight impressions on each other eventually
community did such a great job of that
all the character driven shit, all the development that came from external influence.
its what makes the shows so watchable
like community actually managed to get actual tears out of me for some episodes. just based off of pure feeling.
watching everyone grow, and change, and interact with each other and start to become incredibly detailed and convincing characters.
thats what made it so real and leap off the screen.
the character interaction actually left impressions on the characters
i say again :P{
like the thought was put into the character development, definitely

there was direction for everyone to go, but the how to get there made that direction less obvious and so buyable and like.. kinda moving.

like there was no "CHARACTER A IS SELFISH BUT REALLY VULNERABLE BECAUSE OF HIS MOM BEING SICK. HELL CHANGE AFTER WE KILL THE MOM OFF"

it was all like

chatacter A gains more insight about his actions by interacting with characters B, C and D, all with varying perspectives relating to an issue that character A responded to in a certain way.
it was my favorite thing about how the show made me feel
thats another thing. tv sucks at making me feel.

community dont.
community dont suck at making me feel

like normal tv does
have you ever attempted to get through an episode of 2 broke girls?

jesus.

or anger management with charlie sheen or big bang theory? its all so just... UGH.
big bang theory is incredibly formulaic, cause it depends on the characters being more or less the same, interacting still, but always in the same way. episode after episode.

"NERD GETS THE GIRL LOSES THE GIRL GETS THE GIRL GETS MARRIED BUT NOTHING CHANGES"

every show has quality that makes it appealing. i get that. im not trying to tear stuff down that i dont like for personal reasons here. im just trying to make a couple points, maybe they matter maybe they dont

its chill this is the internet we can do what we like.

i get that its comfy and nice to see those lovable geeks get the girl on big bang theory.

over. and over.

its wish fulfillment, its satisfactory. but thats just it. its satisfactory... at best.

I feel a deeper sense of connection, and sort of self actualization with shows like community, and doctor who.

IF YOURE GONNA RECCOMEND I START WATCHING A SHOW IT HAD BETTER CHALLENGE ME, OKAY?




I've learned i have an acidic distaste for like 98% of youtube. and i finally figured out why.

the same reason im riding communitys dick so hard

I'm not toning down my phallic references. phallic repression built america and that entire nation makes the rest of the world uncomfortable.
but anyway, yeah. i dont know why, but i really dont like... the fake reality of what catches on with youtube.

everyone has to dumb their shit down to appeal to the lowest common denominator, and never deviate from formula, cause formula is success, because success is popularity.

and popularity means, you have to be the joke that everyone gets.

popularity means, you have to sacrifice being Monsters Inc, and instead just be Minions.

you have to stop being Community, and instead just be Big Bang Theory.

have fallen head over heels in love with channels like soulbruthanumbuh3, RCR, JonTron, and early Bro Team. Stuff with brain, but behind cheek.

seriously, go watch any Soulbrutha review of any movie and youll see what i mean.
the objectivity, the audacity to call out the typical, the insight, the THOUGHT.

sb3 came from a directorial background. Guys a film buff who really payed some attention. and his delivery is solid and truthy, with a real hood spin he comes by so honestly with, that keeps things fresh but not in an attempt to appear edgy or inflated.

its straight objectivity, without ego.

RCR, kind of the same, but from a pure academic literary standpoint. He took what he did in university... and his honest and objective nature when it comes to knowing his shit, but just applied it to his passion, cars. Same insight, same thought, but more... Allegory. Analogy, weird references to things the ilk doesnt understand. Shit flies over my head left and right with him. But his delivery is so truthy and so... Seasoned, i cant help but just FEEL like i know.

Bro team just yells about videogames. Doenst dress his shit up, doesnt sumb it down, throws his film school magic in, kinda jingles his keys while reading aloud from a popular mechanics article. Not art, but shit makes me clap and giggle.

and JonTron gets an honorable mention for the sheer development hes made. the progress of the process.
sure, hes just talkin about videogames like everyone else but shit. his delivery, confidence, and insight have come a long ass way from his California years.

his move to NY was kind of his progress as a youtube show personified. He literally moved on to bigger and better things with himself, and it really showed in his new living space. new headspace. more room to grow, spread his creative wings and crank out bomb ass content.

And like, sure none of this stuff is really any world changing shit in of itself
theres no real like "omfg MY favorites are so underrated cause STOP LIKING WHAT I DONT LIKE"

but still, i kind of see this pattern. when stuff has lots of thought put into it, and lots of personal, or critical infuence. No one pays attention.

Dont believe me? picture us at a party, and ive got you cornered. and I start talking about my "acidic distaste for 98% of YOUTUBE."

do you give one ioda that lives down the street from half of a fuck about what comes next?
you could have obligation to listen to me. you could see how much thought, and how much of myself comes out in what im trying to say. But no one wants to listen.

Im not gonna win the room spitting bars about youtube n shit.
just my sort of observation taking effect i guess
and im not saying this out of self deprecation, its more of a "argument in action" sort of thing. I wouldnt wanna hear some hot dog neckin neckbeard go on about some shit that i have no frame of reference on, or start attacking things that maybe I sorta like, because I have like... a personal autonomy. I have my own opinions... Obviously.

And if i hear someone go off on some tangential tyrade about some fly on a heap of zebra shit then i guess im just not gonna fucking tune in for more than a few seconds.

Anyway, TV and internet media are doin great. congrats.

MODERN MEDIA, AND THE CONSTANT BACK AND FORTH SHIT CHUCKING FIGHT.

yeah. thats a great way of putting it.
Incoming volley of unrelenting rage, by the way. This is a long time coming.

Okay, so yeah, I like, barely post here?
Mainly because i sort of shortened my little operation up and diviersified my effort.
I admin like, five active facebook pages now?

yeah, this is where most of the internet headspace goes these days.
Posting and sharing horrible content that makes me giggle, because we all cant do any better.

But heres the thing about doing that. this whole facebook page bullshit.

Most of the comunity is a bunch of REALLY assholistic (that is, asshole, AND holistic. Just being a 100% asshole cross the board.) sperglords who vapidly and openly express their really angry sort of opinions in a really edified, but still incredibly ignorant and fucked up manner. And bam! thats my audience now! That is the lowest common denominator of which i must appeal to.

See, this is why i still have my blog. It is my vessel of pure anger, angst and contempt that nobody checks, save for a few personal pals that wont judge me or pick apart everything I say because they kind of get where It's coming from. Good on you guys for letting me vent.

See, here's my beef, fam.

A lot of the community likes to pick apart the whole Social Justice movement thats been gaining a lot of momentum lately. And that just fuckin boils my fluids.
Cause a lot of people are, I guess just that devoid of any real thought process or creativity, they gotta pick on the people who are so desperatley fighting for themselves and their own identity in a manner that i guess just aint good enough.
And yeah, I get that a lot of people have a lot of really good, well-thought-out, and really smartly put points agains this whole issue but honestly, even if you coat an asshole in honey, its just a honey-coated asshole.

And I get that a lot of its also "LEL, I'm JUST TROLLIN, CUZ! DONT BE SO BUTTMAD UR BUTTMAD OHMYGOD UR SO FUCKKEN BUTTENRAGED!"
Yeah, I get it. Oooooh man. Youre the hottest shit on the block, bro! Pretending to be mad at something you know nothing about in an attempt to manipulate people? GOOOOD DAMN, THATS SO FUCKING HILARIOUS AND ORIGINAL!!!!!!

One thing thats really getting me INCREDIBLY annoyed is the whole "tumblr feminists are all fat lel"
Stop. For the love of FUCKING GOD. STOP. CEASE AND FUCKING DESIST.
THATS NOT A SOLID ARGUMENT FOR ANYTHING.
Stop judging people for what they look like, how they decide to spend their lives, or what they beleive in. As soon as you try to bring that judgement into your deconstruction or refuting of the central point, youve officially turned your bullets into cotton balls.
God, I fucking swear the only reason this shit stays on the internet is because is someone ran their mouth like they run their keyboard, theyd be picking their teeth up off the floor.

I guess my frustration solely comes from the void of respect in any of this shit.

And dont even think for a second im letting the other side of this argument off scott free either. There are some big dumb meanies looking like theyre fighting for social justice, buit are really just spinning their tires and honking about nothing at all.

The worst part is when one side doesnt get the irony or the argument of the other. And this happens. All the fucking time.

And I get talking about shit like this is literal online suicide, but whatever. I'm not gonna try to cover my ass over this. You're all being a bunch of dumb babies.

OH AND DONT GET ME FUCKING STARTED. ON THE MOTHERFUCKING "ANARCHO" CAPITALISTS, "ANARCHO" COMMUNISTS, LIBERTARIANS, ATHEISTS, ET CETERA.

Keep your politics, your religion (I'm sorry. Atheism is a religion. Most of you loudmouths who claim Atheism are really just skwacking about how much you hate organized religion, day in and day out, forever. If you dont wanna work, then that becomes your job. Lots of overtime, and no days off. Same rules for faith.)

And I know its mainly just the fundies who are so stoked on themselves they gotta smack everyone else with their massive E-chubby, but thats exactly who im talking about.

The people who favour the shit theyre into over respecting anyone else for any reason.

God, at least my christian friends get that. the whole respect thing.

If youre into something, by GOD be into it. But dont put others down over how they're not. Keep your mouth shut, and let people do what they want.

No one cares about your opinion, whether you admin a facebook page or not.

Sorry for all the salt. I'm just so over the bullshit right now.

While I;m at tit, I feel it necessary to deliver a shoutout to this page, he says what I'm trying to, but hes less upset and more focused.


anyway yeah, i better stop talking about this before my heart starts to skip.

The Monitor, Titus Andronicus

This is an album I know like the back of my hand

Titus Andronicus' The Monitor is a very special and important release to me because its themes and motifs are incredibly relatable as they are inspiring and vast.

The instrumentation is pretty basic and washy, lo fi electric guitars and bass, driving punk drums, wheezing organs and bagpipes, pretty folk punk record.

and the vocals are crackly and whiny, like Patrick Stickles is crying and singing all at once, drawing a very pretty picture of Pianos Become The Teeth, perfectly capturing the imagery of social exile and alienation with crippling depression and blinding angst.

And you know what?

Its eerily perfect.

This record tells the story of a breakup, relating it to the events of the American Civil War, with excerpts of letters and poetry recorded in between songs or movements.

It goes through the painful angst and melancholy of the troubled youth as they fight and struggle through university and the unfeeling masses refusing to accept the diverse or otherwise unique, with lyrics bearing such weight and anguish, its impossible to not feel emotionally grounded or at least solemnly aware while listening.

This album is an emotional power trip as much as it is a howling homage to the bands efforts previous, bringing in the theme 'Titus Andronicus Forever' as a resonating Bro Anthem of the band and its fanbase.

This album taught me a lot about myself and my feelings during a really dark and angsty time in my life, and I really carry a lot of gratitude towards it.

This band was kind of like... There for me, like this record specifically, and I have a lot of personal attatchment to it. And I think thats what Titus Andronicus was really trying for here, because the record is so deeply personal and heartfelt you cant help but relate to it in some way.

This record takes on such concepts as anti-americanism, the human condition, personal inadequacy, and the struggle of self loathing.

A lot of the lyrics come from a dark place in Patrick Stickles' mind and his heart.

It is made abundantly clear the pain and isolation he was feeling when he wrote these songs, as the words kind of carry a sort of self-hating tone and the subject matter of which the songs are about are very obviously kind of painful experiences in his life.

The artwork is very simple, mainly old photos from the civil war era taken in a kind of blue scale which i think compliments the album greatly, giving it a really Northern, kind of somber feel.

The last track is what really sets this apart from your average angsty emopunk album.
Weighing in at Fourteen minutes and eleven seconds, The Battle of Hampton Roads takes up an entire side of The double LP release. and that's just what this track is, its a final release, the last phlegmy exhale before you can breathe clearly again, the last push to survival and assured victory, that night where you break down completely over her before you start picking your pieces back up. At the same time, its a prime example of the futility of angst in the first place. I identified with this album most when i was seventeen going on eighteen. It sounds very similar to that of the musings and wails of the late adolescent emo kid, but it was written by a bearded twenty something about college in New Jersey. But for what it is, this track is absolutely stunning and well engineered and produced. It takes a special kind of magic to make fourteen minutes feel like nothing in terms of songs. And they managed to hit it right on the head with this track. Its flow is remarkable, and its layered textures are very visible and complimented by each other, along with the final gasps of despair echoing into emptiness. This track has perfect builds and the order of the album is such a perfect set up for this amazing punk rock desertif that drinks like a 24 case of bud light platinum and carries you up to your room when youre done sitting in the back yard rambling about pork chops, with like, a gatorade and a puke bowl n shit. This song knows how to end an album.

This might be the personal attatchment, sense of nostalgia, and overall likability of the band, but i am definitely feeling like this record deserves some serious praise.

100th post.

It has taken me like give or take three or four years to write 100 different things on this website.

This blog has been a vessel of feels all throughout my angsty years.

Like a... sea hearty wife of a terrified sailor

and throughout EVERYTHING, it has been there. In all of my love, and all of my loss, my drug addled rage and drug fueled euphoria.

Through all of the jobs ive had, and all of the music ive written, performed, tried to record, and soon to be carrying into TWO schools with me.

100 posts.

Wow!

Well, 90 technically. 90 that YOU'VE seen.

But ive been busy. Beleive it or not, there are some things i write that I DONT post on here! Be them too long and contrived, too short to be substantial, not informative enough, not upbeat enough, TOO angsty, maybe too suicidal...

some ideas i do eventually bring to the forefront, though merely in retrospect.

And even now, while I sit here marking the seventh consecutive hour watching the horrific plastic snakeman version of Henry Rollins known as Mark Landsberg speak about... I dont know, sportsball? Seriously this mans uncanny valley ass face is the most horrifying fucking thing.

he looks like a Ken Doll you left on the stovetop.

In fact almost everyone on this show looks like an off-brand punk rocker....

We have meltyface Henry Rollins, jobless plumber Lars Frederiksen, and just the literal guys from Four Year Strong, sitting in a cold metal studio literally exchanging twitter handles for an hour or two what is this garbage

but anyway yeah 100 posts i am a big deal sup

The Last Known Space Cowboy

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We Fight On

I kinda miss back when my feelings of angst and inadequacy ruled my existance and I wasnt so grown up and quiet.

At least I had something to say, even if it didnt matter.

However, even with the importance of what I have to say being at all relevant or not, I dont miss feeling super ridiculously shitty and not having the motivation to put up with stuff i didnt want to continue with anymore to carry me forward into something i MIGHT wanna do later.

Life since this blog crashed has been a laugh, and thats just the way I like it. Now everything really feels like its a building block, like life is going somewhere, like I'm leveling up and its good!

Lifes about to get a little harder, but in a good way, not a depressing one.

Which is AWESOME. I legit fucking hate being depressed.

Im glad thats all behind me.

I still get glimpses of it, but it is never as bad as it used to be.

Depression built a fighter, when it wanted to wreck a weak link.

Caffeine consumption

More or less, every morning, I will pound back two cups of coffee. And then on my way to work I will pick up two rockstars and pound those back.

Then when i get off work, I drink two MORE rockstars, and if i feel like it, suck back a large double-double before I go home.

How the hell I can sleep is beyond me. But its no question that I may have a slight caffeine addiction.

We all have our vices, I guess, and mine just so happen to be gratuitious ammounts of sketchy chemicals and then weed to bring me back down again.

And its not even like the rush I get from a lot of energy drinks is all that satisfying or really that prevalent, I just like drinking rockstar cause its tasty!!

And another thing I have learned as a lightweight, anyway...

Jaegermeister is your friend. Youre riding easy on your random hard liquor, and its kinda making you more groggy than drunk. Three shots of Jaeger and a can of redbull and suddenly it's intermission!
As the sleepiness that tries to take hold of you dissapates, you feel the other inhibitions melt away along with it.

Suddenly its time to drink more! And youre still feeling very little of it! This carries on until the caffeine wears off, and then youre still a wobbly mess, but without the vomit!

Versus firing blind, railing three tequila, pounding back three schooners, wobbling home and throwing up.

So yeah, I pound back lots of caffeine... But whatever! Least I kinda know how to party?

Namaste n shit

Paid in sighs

Say how did you get those marks on your neck?
Was it the cherry in the bowl
Or the cover of the check?
Maybe you're as smooth
as the pomade in your hair
create enticing poison
by manipulation of the air

And who chiseled out your jaw?
And for that matter, your collar?
A grande with no foam
Will that be all? Or...

Everyone will tell you
That you're always something special
But when it comes to pleasing
You've never felt the pressure
And how gifted you are with all those hooks and ties
almost like you get paid in sighs

Say how did you get that lipstick on your cheek?
Was it her passion in her eyes
Or her knees going weak?
Or maybe you're as loving
As your mother thinks you are
Create unbreakable webs
by alignment of the stars

And who polished those eyes
And can they get any bigger?
Maybe if I make you smile
And make my heart go a little quicker

Everyone will tell you
That you're always something special
But when it comes to pleasing
You've never felt the pressure
And how gifted you are with all those hooks and ties
almost like you get paid in sighs

Everyone will tell you
That you're always something special
But when it comes to pleasing
You've never felt the pressure
And how gifted you are with all those hooks and ties
almost like you get paid in sighs

Hell might be a social construct, but earth goes on for miles...

Take it from the top and see what comes
through the broken hearts, and all the bloody thumbs
lose sight of myself in the light of the future
burn off the past and let the now be my sutures
set the infrastructure of this dog and pony show
break off the restraining valve and let your feelings flow

the dramatic flimsy framework and dispassionate pleas prolonging
the painful break inevitable, necrotic heart still longing
fight through brush and briar to get to where you are,
monument to childhood, left to go so far
terracotta life, all my fired naiive strife, crumbling with age and rain
oceans over hate and pain

the battery of love and rage
not liked but necessary,
for every step in the right direction comes a worthy adversary
and i wont fight but overcome
unrelenting until this battle is won
bet against me your healthy wagers
for und wir sind der jaeger.

DJ-JJ and the methods of control

(The JJ Stands for Just Joey)

I talk about my job a lot. Particularly because i blog from here like, 100% of the time now (I have no computer at home)

But this is also one of the most like... idk biggest learning experiences ive ever had. Particularily about control, and how I can actually have control and its okay.

They try to teach you this lesson at school but i dont know, it always came off as so so snide when I was learning.
High School is a shitty place.

The whole concept of having responsibility n whatnot.

I mean yeah i get it i owe it to a lot of people to be at a certain place at a certain time, yaddah yaddah yaddah, whatever i gotta be a good drone for the man n stuff.

But no its so much different than that.

My job is actually pretty like... managerial in a way like, sure im "just a DJ" but since i work in the daytime, the actual music part of the gig is the most insignificant. Sure whenever Flagpole Sitta appears on the inbetween list, I have to stop it and play it from the beginning after the dancer goes off stage but thats personal.

What? I really like that song...

But someone once explained to me that when I'm here, I'm TECHNICALLY the boss. No, I don't tell the servers what to do, but I have to like, be 150% OCD about times dancers get on and off the stage. I run the show, I'm the Cassie, the stage manager. Thats not really that big a deal, considering I'm not the only one who has an idea of what needs to happen when. Fuck if you need ME of all people to discipline you, you're beyond all help as it is...

Anyway, learning this means and method of control is really helping me out with another skill that requires a lot of control.

Driving.

I'm picking up on it rather quick, it wont be long till I go for my license (fucking finally)

Showing up to work just... covered in lipstick.

Ever had one of those?

Like, not one of this nights where you DON'T know what happened but like

one of those nights where you DO? and it was still JUST AS crazy?

I mean, I'm a nineteen year old middle Canadian suburbanite. I dont get up to a whole lot.

But there's still a sort of... I don't know an allure to coming in to work on a quiet Saturday morning to open the place up... but you're covered in smeared lipstick and other funny little markings that the evening had left on you.

I used to hate starbucks because whenever I'd have big purple suckmarks on my neck from the fun night previous, they would like, VINDICTIVELY stick me on drive thru till... where i was clearly visible and had to talk to customers about it.

Sometimes everyone was cool about it (mainly the rich milfy crowd with a few good jokes and a "hey sweetie, at least you're getting some"), but ehh, I got a lot of... I guess jealous insecure kids (or they were just little cuntbags, I'm not a psychologist) and i dont know WHY they bothered me so much but they did. I mean yeah, jesus christ how DARE I get action, what the hells wrong with me?!

Anyway i guess working where I'm under the guise of no light has really helped me get over the fact that hickeys happen, and I like feeling kind of dirty, I guess.

Also, apparently theres a definite difference in a Joey who got laid last night and a Joey who didnt... According to the doormen.


Never thought I'd be one of those people but c'est la'vie?!

Yeah this post is about my sex life, deal with it.

WHITE BOY TALKIN ABOUT SEX, HOOOOLY SHIT TUMBLR STAY MAD!


I remember in like, the 17-18 year old days where like, if you had a mark on your neck it was like, you were branded with such scorn and ridicule that it was just about impossible to deal with. This motherfucker had to wear a scarf inside all his last week of school cause things went a little well for him on his birthday.

now its like, half my neck can be purple and I couldn't give any less of a shit.

"You are not where you are, you are where you're going"

I felt a lump in my throat when I opened the letter.

It was from the government, addressed to me. A projection of my grades from all of highschool.

My heart got pretty heavy in my chest and decided to become friends with my stomach when i scanned the numbers. Very few of them were above 60.

Im not sure what I was expecting. I mean, Its not like my mind was really ever in the right place when I was in school, at least not academically. You guys were there, you read the story from april 2011 to now, you can probably guess from my writing and one-dimensional thought process that I wasnt really a prized student.

I logged into the U of L bridge. If I had my grades, they sure did as well.

With dashed hopes, I begrudgingly looked over my admission status.

And much to my surprise, I was... I was in. I was accepted.

They approved me!

The next chapter in this book was about to turn over and as far as I could tell, it was gonna be an adventurous one.

The same day I helped my dad winterize the camper, and after that little snafu (did you know that the older and more broken a diesel generator is, the more of a headache it becomes to turn over?) we rendezvoued at the local pub with a few neighbours. With my brother out of the house on sunday, and me admitted into school a whole two hours south of home and out of the house come January, this has been a pretty exciting week at chez de la Edmond.

This is all progress, me building my life up a little more every day. And I guess I finally made it to level 58, cause I just got the go ahead to start grinding away in the Outland. (WOAH! Inaccurate WoW references!)

So wowee, everyone! To here knows when!

TGIDJ!! (Thank God I DJ!)

i talk about work a lot. Well, I TALKED about work a lot.

But my latest gig has a bit of a story and half to it.

Last we left off, I worked at Starbucks, yeah?

Be real, Starbucks actually fucking rocked, for the most part...

All good things, as they say.

After parting ways with them, I tried out a few didffrerent part time gigs. Few of them were even run properly!

(word of warning to those like me: steer clear of mall retail. Itll hurt you worse than anything)

Dont know what im talking about? Look at that neverending buzzfeed list of lists on why retail is so horrible. From the mouth of the JJ himself, he can tell you its all 100% accurate and 200% horrible.

Looking at the past makes me feel incredibly grateful for the present, you know? In a lot of ways.

After getting chewed up and spit out in the retail world, I hit up the k'joos (thats kijiji for all you non street types) for another 9-5. Gotta pay the bills somehow!

No fuckin shit. I found an ad. Looking for a DJ. Slash Announcer. At


...Ho you're gonna love this...


Risque Rouge! What the hell is... Risque Rouge... Sounds... Sounds kinda fancy?

Alright alright, let me break it down for ya.

So we got our EVER SO GLIMMERING Night Club scene in the A B E A UTEEFUL City of Calgary. Its about as fun as this passage is drenched in sarcasm.

Theres like... TWO clubs ever id reccommend to anyone. Republik, and Twisted. Now ive beefed on the cowboy club bullshit already so im not gonna delve too deep into it.

But its shit tacular, just... just take my word for it. OKay, moivin on Risque Rouge.

Definitely more of the adult kind of club.

Like the... strippy kind of adult.

And for WHATEVER REASON, they hire me.

I get called in for an interview lets say in mid august, and i roll in all quiet and scared. Like the first day of school if school were the exact opposite of what it is. This interview was more of an orientation than anything else. (no, we ARE NOT counting university)

I make my way to the booth, and I see this little mousey dude. This little mousey dude turned out to be one of the most absolute coolest people ive ever met, we call him Keith. Lots of cool Keiths in this city, thats for sure. (eyes on YOU, Johnstone!)

So he shows me around in a very... Joeyish fashion. I could tell deep down, there was very little Keith cared about in this place. His passions were definitely elsewhere. It really spoke to me how well we hit it off. Its a shame i was his replacement all along, but at the same time it makes a hell of a lot of sense.

Starting off, I kinda professed in putting everyone in a bad mood. Well, excuse me for living, I guess...

But thats all one nowadays. I'm rockin the Daytime DJ throne in the south end!

Looking at the job I have now, versus all the crazy bullshit I had to put up with in the last like... five ish years... Its almost as if it was all leading up to this. I now THRIVE on crazy.

Just so long as I have the zen of all zen waiting for me at the end of it all!

Also, pologies for not being around the past few days. I was too party for the blog, I guess.

SO this is why we dont wake up at noon.

I was finally written up for my lateness at work.

I mean, damn not like I can appeal it, I'm a lazy ADHD motherfucker!

Lesson learned on that front. Over and over and over again.

ANYWAY. Halloween is coming up, and with Halloween comes the stress that follows with cosplay.

WOAH WHAT?!

WHAT?!

JOEY... DO... JOEY U DO THE COSPLAY?!

Yeaaah son!

I got into it full force in the summer for this years Otafest, and then later I did a group cosplay at Animethon, all of this a la the AMAZINGLY TALENTED Dorothy Thicket!


Otafest was an amazing experience for me, opening me up to convention culture in a very fun way. For a while the whole anime thing scared me. Until I was surrounded by people who were so passionate and intense about it, but just so ready to be friendly and whole-heartedly accepting, that it was just... It was a beautiful weekend of feel good feels and rad rad times. And then the dance on the Saturday night brought me back to a very special time of my life. Oh yeah I am talking about Vic Lewis. Back when it happened every year, I really took that festival for granted. (Also I was surrounded by high school kids... sue me for being bitter) But anyway yeah, festival for granted. Why? Because the experience of dancing with no strings attatched is a very rare occurrence when you grow up. You go to a club at age eighteen and you expect good natured fun with glowsticks and kids shuffling and breakdancing in circles and you get thirty year old meatcakes in cowboy hats grinding all up on each other and spilling a 10$ pint of beer on you. So this dance at the end of the night was... literally perfect. It was just that cloudy pipe dream i explained. it was just a bunch of anime nerds, going hard on the paint to some sick trancey hardstyle beats, and just getting INTO it. This is a beautiful memory for me. It was the defning deciding factor from which I base all of my judgement of anime culture on. Super sweet dance parties.

So naturally, after having THAT good of a time, I feel it imperative to make a hobby out of it, right?

And with this hobby comes a HELL OF A LOT OF STRESS.
And yet, it is INCREDIBLY worth it, since im putting all of this stress on my self and just working through it. going absolutely mad on the hobby and coming out with something Daedric Princess Dorothy Thicket will look at and later tell you "I'm proud of you"

You gotta own it, work hard, and enjoy it. Realize that the stress and problems you are having are evidence of a good time to come regardless of how everything works out.

Bands.

this is a subject so just... big thats its almost bigger than I am.

Almost.


Anyway, I guess for a large part of my life (like, from consciousness to now) I've always been insanely into music, but for the longest time the interest was kind of irrelevant and useless until about high school, that was when I started putting social skills and musical skills together to make... i dunno bunch of really creative messes.

"SO in case you guys haven't caught on yet, I am quite a musical person.

and with my... enjoyment and adoration for all things that make a sound, I have a very staccato history of my experiences with music.

There was this one time when I was in fifth grade and I saw a Beatles tribute band with my parents and I cried it was so good

and then there was that one time I was in like, two bands at once and then I spread myself way too thin creatively, didn't agree with the people involved and that plan ended as quickly as it began

which leads us to now. I sort of put music on hold. I returned my guitar to the music store, and I freed up space in my mind to focus on other things... But we all know how that turns out.


So anyway that space I freed up in my brain became occupied by nothing. I just kind of drifted along life being all bummed out and not knowing why. Until it struck me!

I NEED TO GET ANOTHER BAND GOING!

So I drifted along simply existing, until my friend Tizzy got a hold of me and tried to get people together to start some kind of group. but then school started and she had to go play bass for the motherland jazz combo, so I was all on my own. No big deal though, I can play bass just fine on my own (Been playing for over six years now! GO ME!) So we finally just got together in our drummers basement and jammed. We went over some songs we knew (or knew some or most of) and we turned two of them into jams. Our first jam was The Ramones' oh so cult classic "Blitzkrieg Bop" which turned into a game of "Pass the solo around till we feel like ending the song"

Practising with these guys was really fun, and I think we decided to consider ourselves a band today. we use "nine-pound lemon" as kind of a working title.

Last year, I was in two bands. They both functioned quite differently. One of them of course was Gumby's Stubble,which only had 2 permanent members, myself and Coleman. That band did not do so well, considering I was in charge of it, it was very unorgainzed and sounded shitty because it sucked and I had very little time for it.

The other band was a ska band with people in it that I don't think are very fond of me anymore. The practices weren't practices so much as hanging out playing videogames I'm not a fan of, and smacking instruments occasionally. They kicked me out, changed their name, and that was that. I still support them though, they aren't bad guys, and their sound is amazing. I think they have what it takes to go somewhere.

This new band I am in though. It is great, it is very unlike any band I have been in. Everyone is very relaxed and we agree with each other."

I wrote this in late 2012 and didn't publish it, I guess for whatever reason. Oh man, I am seeing so many errors...

But yeah, I was in Gumby's Stubble, Welcome to the Neighborhood, and then after both of those spun out of control (well, for me at least. Neighborhood became Lo fi eventually), i spent grade twelve jamming with my friend Ethan Hamshaw in a band called The Legislative Assembly (previously Nine Pound Lemon). This kid is destined to be the next Gordon Freeman but in real life. The most organized, talented, and technical guitarists ive ever heard, and it also shows in other aspects of his personality as well. Thanks to him, we were a band that went out and played shows. He cared just as much if not moreso than I did, and I REALLY respect that. We eventually all had to part ways with him, he eventually realized he didnt agree with the original members. Which was fine, i mean everyone needs to live their own lives, but man, I REALLY REALLY REAAAALLY admired this guy. He's off doing school stuff now, much too busy to be a musician...

Anyway, I guess the burning urge to become someone musical really set itself up for me in fifth grade, like I said. Those rose tinted fantasies of being a big shot rockstar filled me with such hope and fire, it was more than something to ignore. And All bets were off when I met one Aaron Red Smith in grade seven. These fantasies became goals after talking with him. So I guess thats why this isnt something im planning on giving up any time soon. I was given a mission to get there, and by god I will.

After TLA broke up, and I decided to make a big goof of myself playing a bunch of acoustic shows for free beer, I guess (the absolute greatest free thing of all, in my opinion) at the bars downtown, the remaining members and I picked up a new guitarist and decided to go under the name of Lets Bomb Pluto

So yeah we had only ever realeased one song, only ever played one show (and this was POST New Black, by the way, but thats gonna be another post for another time.) but I guess it was a lot of fun. I mean, personally I enjoyed TLA more but thats just because we actually met up and practiced often, and kept everything very organized, but that isnt to say that LEts Bomb Pluto wasn't a fun band to play in. We just didnt do much I mean yeah we wrote a LOT of music, but recorded almost none of it, performing only a little more than that. And when school rolled around and everybody parted ways, it all felt so useless. Oh well, We'll see what happens with Pluto.

I mean I'm constantly surrounded by music nowadays, what with my job, and i never stop playing even at home.

But as it stands now I'm just all alone practicing and writing and never stopping.

To here knows when, I guess.

I remember when I tried to be hella punk rock

I also remember when I wrote often and didnt like eggs unless they were scrambled, had to pretend to care about how late for school I was, and didn't work at a strip club as a daytime DJ for way more than I think I deserve.

Anyway, Joey and the punk "scene"

I write "scene", because like, I mean sure I really liked the music, and aesthetic attatched to punk rock, and still do, I never really looked for the "scene" in my city. Part of being a suburbanite prisoner, I guess. You kinda get spooked at whats out there. Another thing though, I guess all through my more younger years, in that back half of going to school, I was terrified that I wasn't doing punk right at all. It all came from the lack of approval I got from any of my friends and stuff. A few of my peers humored me, but I was pretty sure we all had no idea what I was going for in the first place, and if anyone who did were to see me, there would be some hell in a handbasket waiting for me. And for something I loved so much, I really REALLY didnt want to be ostracized from it. So I never really sought out for the other punk rockers in my city. I kinda made it up as I went along, I guess. Getting a few ideas from the internet and going on hours of hours of sleepless nights, clicking through albums on youtube, and dancning in my basement violently and passionately, wailing on a borrowed drumset and thinking i could go places with this (I dont know why I'm using the past tense here). I wouldnt settle for just "becoming one of them", no I could be the NEW thing! No one ELSE was doing it right! I was! I was going out of my way to have a spot on grainy high pitched punk voice with JUST enough Jello Biafra influence, I was reading the Communist Manifesto and Scott Pilgrim, researching things like Anarchy and New Mexico and Pat the Bunny I was learning guitar, bass, and drums simultaniously, painting my nice jacket my mommy bought me when I was 15, everything!

I guess what ended up happening was, the fear went away. I kinda learned through all of the crazy that I wasnt being "punk" or anything, what I was trying to do all along was be myself, like literally every other kid my age. Difference was I was just kinda more... idk verbal about it. I tried writing down who I was, the evidence is all under here. I mean, of course Im still trying to figure it all out, but I dont know, I guess its just not that big a deal for me anymore. Lifes become less of an adolescent cry for identity, and more of a collective day to day bulletin board, full of mistakes and how to learn from them.

I remember I loved fall out boy in elementary school. Fall Out Boy, Sum 41, The Offspring, Blink 182, Avenged Sevenfold, all bands I'd resent later in life for literally no solid reason. My entire life was just high pitched acidic stress over my shoulders for the longest time. And a lot of it just kinda came from liking music (no. I didnt like music. I just liked to hate it. I liked to bitch about nothing thinking everyone loved it every time I opened my mouth.) and thinking it affected who I was as a person to a crazy degree. I've kept quiet about this for like, ever, because this lesson kinda has gone without say for all eternity and i just... was so late to the party that Nick was already throwing up in the laundry room sink, but yeah, finding out the concepts of subjectivity and keeping your damn mouth shut sometimes (most times) ...(all the time) fixed damn near everything in my life. My passion can really like, explode like it should, things make sense, I'm not overlooking minutiae thinking its conceptual, I'm finally GETTING SHIT DONE, and I'm getting help where I really need it. The kind of help that makes you better off as a person I'd like to think.

Not to mention, I'm working hard, following my passion, and enjoying every minute of it all. The stress, the excitement, the apprehension, the ups and downs, its all so crazy beyond words, but it is all so so relevant to me and inescapable that I can't not live in the moment. Refusing to let my fear guide me, but instead breaking out that super sweet little Jack Sparrow compass and letting my passion take me on a super crazy adventure through time and beyond.

Anyway, what was I talking about? Punk rock? Right.
I dunno, I feel like I started with it, and took it as far as I could. The it sorta branched out for me, made me see the good in a lot of things, and kinda taught me how to be myself, I guess? I dunno why, but it kinda feels like thats a hard thing to do. Ive kinda picked up on this just through chatting with people, the whole concept of solidarity and being yourself is a whole other case to crack, though. Big subjective subject, that one.

I guess what ive taken away from this is like... Punks a lot bigger than what I ever thought it was. And that's a pretty rad thing. Its more of a spirit than an attitude, or an aesthetic, or a music genre. Dave Grohl once said something along the lines of rock being so incredible because youll sing something to 80'000 people, and theyll all sing it back for 80'000 different reasons. I feel like that embodies the whole idea beautifully.

Just be true to yourself, and you're gonna have a rad time with life.

Thing a day

I am essentially made of two things,
Time and energy.
What I do with what I’m made of is totally up to me.
That’s an amazing thought for me, it’s also sort of intense,
Because I’m made of time and energy, two totally finite things that I can’t really measure. I mean yeah, time is measured in minutes, hours and years, and energy in joules, but I can’t measure them for ME specifically, you know?
Most songs last a matter of minutes and seconds.
When I listen to music, I’m sharing my time and energy with it.
When I hang out with people, I’m sharing my time and energy with them, transferring energy and cherishing time. And that’s amazing.
I… I might have to talk about people a lot.
I think I already do. People are an interesting thing.
Time and energy, all of us, That’s all we’re REALLY made of.
and that’s not a bad thing at all! People do beautiful things with both.
beautiful, amazing, terrible, awesome, great, no matter what we use our time and energy to do anything and everything.

You know whats awesome?
Your brain is you.
Your heart is you.
through and through.

When you want to be a part of everything, it only serves to make you feel more detatched. But when you find something to be a part of that makes you feel more real?! MAN, you won’t even remember what its like being anything else! (A blessing, and a curse, I guess.)

I remember watching silly little GI Joe parody shorts when I was a younger me.
“As far as arcade games go, pick ONE that you can do. Pick ONE that you can do as opposed to picking thousand different games where you don’t know what the hell you’re doing.” Is a line I remember well.

Jobs.

(I always find the intros to these the hardest part.)

Okay so working is a thing that everyone ever has to do, right?

Because in this society, there's all kinds of moving parts. Lotta do that needs done-in. And we all gotta do that do, gotta contribute and benefit as a whole.

...aaand then, as always, there is me. With like, very spotty motivation and completely random people skills. I've had- I've... been through a lot of jobs.

I mean you all know there was roofing, and then there was pad, and then a whole lot of nothing for six months, and then along came dishwashing, and then clerking, and then landscaping and then the present. These are all lovely lovely stories with their own lovely lovely beginning, middle, and end.

Roofing from what I can remember was just a rad summer job I got through my neighbour in the summer between my middle and last years of high school. The job kicked ass! But the people I was working with were fucking crazy. One guy was some crackhead from Ontario claiming to have fifteen years experience in roofing. 12323424234000 mistakes later we find that it was all bullshit, and he taught me everything I knew! Then there was my other supervisor who got pulled over by police for driving the work truck on the wrong side of a one-way road... aaaand then violating his parole. Anyone reading my blog who works in a manual labor position is probably not even a little surprised at my story so far. This shits common, especially in roofing.

my gig with the pad was attained through a similar deal. My neighbor had his own business he ran outta his garage, and I was ready to work for him. Pad wasn't so good though, in all honestly its kinda bullshit. (Yeah, I STILL have to do it and its horrible.) So basically what I have to do is I have to get in this truck, and drive all over the city picking up rolls of carpet foam underlay to haul away and give to the foam recycling plant to be processed. the foam company then pays me 12 cents per pound of pad (which, sounds like chump change, but when I'm offloading like over 3500 pounds every time we do a run, shit kinda adds up. Real fast.) It's a lot of heavy lifting, its gross, it sucks after it rains, its worse during the winter, the rolls are ALWAYS full of smoothedge (if you dont know what that is, its basically thin pieces of plywood covered in tiny sharp nails, and a total pain in the ass) staples, ecetera... Anyway yeah. This pad thing reminds me how important it is to have a real job.

For about half of grade twelve, I kinda kicked back and didnt do much. Just sorta bummed around. But there comes a time when you're tired of being broke, and you go perfect that old Resume.doc, and you go out and flyerbomb the strip malls. This proved to me as the least effective means of jobget. After time and time again of coming up empty handed, I looked on Kijiji (protip: No one. And I mean NO ONE. Is Too good for Kijiji) for something. It was easy, all I had to do was email the ad poster, and wait for them to get back to me! The calls came pouring in faster than I thought possible! This eventually landed me a position as a part-time dishwasher at Moxie's, its some weird restaurant that can't make up its mind about whatever kind of theme it is, its fancy, theres lots of deep fried pub food, lots of fancy ass desert, whatever you name it. I came in on weekends during the day, worked about eight hours a week, it was all pretty okay for the few bucks I made off of it. Looking back, I'm finding it hard to see what I was complaining about. Oh yeah. WHO SCHEDULES A SEVENTEEN YEAR OLD KID TO WORK DURING THE DAY ON THE FUCKING WEEKEND. This job was hard, paid like shit, but the people I worked with fucking rocked. Kitchens are fun, man and dont let anyone tell you different. Sure, you gotta buckle down and work hard, but if you can keep it light and smile through it, its Really a lot of fun. And if youre the dishwasher, everyone in the kitchen knows you have the least appealing job in there, so as long as you're not a prick, they just like you off the bat. Even more if you wash what they need before they even know they need it. I had a pretty stainless system in that little kitchen when I was there. I'd have it so all of the dishes needed for prep were done before I even got started on cleaning up after brunch (so. Much. Egg. Won't. Ever. Be. Clean. *shudder*) So I had all of the Tupperware, spatulas, whisks, ladles, whatever all spick n span and drying off at about twelve fifteen. (I had major anxiety over how long I took, because I had no way of timing myself. This went away when I saw how long a short four hour shift felt, and just how much porcelain and plastic I had gone through in those short four hours)this job woulda been GREAT. If I only could show up on time. the place was Really far away from my house, and as patient and lenient as they were with me, I eventually couldn't keep up well enough to keep the job. Life does go on, as they say.

I was fired in June, like June first, so I had about a week of school left, I figured "fine. Fuck it, let's just keep focused on that, go looking for a job when I have some time." You know how focused a grade twelve kid is a week before A. Their official legit lastest day of school, B. Their 18th birthday? Of course you do its not very focused. So anyway, I had a lot of fun on that last week of school, finished it all off with a house party I don't really remember much of, and yeah! that was pretty much it! Except for oh yeah shit I'm still broke what do I do.

BACK TO KIJIJI I WENT.

So I found this little convenience store within biking distance of my house, they were offerring full time, I could do full time (at the time)and hey, it was a job, I cant turn it down! Except for oh yeah, I turned down that other job by ignoring them... And this convenience store just fucking sucked, too. 10 dollars an hour (compared to the 12-14 all of my friends were making) working from 2-10 pretty much every day well no, not working. I worked from 2-2:30. By then I had done everything, so 3-10 was pretending to look busy.(and I had summer classes in July, so wasting time straightening licorice when I could have been studying) oh yeah, and they decided to not pay me. This job lasted about four weeks before I called and pretty much said "Fuck you. I quit."

The downtime for this lasted about two weeks, in which I was snapped up by a landscaping company in August, who payed me 13 dollars an hour in cash every friday(oh how I love breaking the law) working pretty much every day of the week from eight until whenever we were done, lunch was payed for, dinner was when we needed it, and my worker's compensation package consisted of a hole to be buried in if I died on the job. Also my boss was an annoying prick who was never clear on what he wanted done, but was really REALLY good at telling you how you fucked up (just like an english teacher.) So when I LOST THAT JOB... I was pretty done. Just... done with work, done with life. I can't do what crackhead kids need to do in order to pay for more crack? God whats my problem?

...Not like I'd want to dig fence post holes for the rest of my goddamn life anyway, some crackhead kid can do that so he can buy more crack.

So yeah i just rode off of what I made at that job for the last few weeks, now I'm broke, wide awake at one AM, and have a new job starting Monday at a Starbucks in Copperfield. (Copperfield is behind McKenzie Towne, which is beside McKenzie Lake, which is in the middle of Butt Fuck Egypt, beside Okotoks) it is all really close by, and from the research I've done, this fire-breathing corporate monster is gonna take really good care of me. holy fucking benefits!

Moral of the story: No one. Is too good. For Kijiji. See yall later.

So I Guess this Is Hello?

Well, I-

Err...

Well, I suppose it all started like this. I wanted to make a blog because I saw Hyperbole and a half do it, I saw the Oatmeal do it, I saw Dan o'Brien, David Wong, Gladstone, Soren Bowie and everyone else under the golden californian sun do it, and I thought "Hey... People think I'm funny! I like talking about myself! Let's give making a blog a real shot!"

And then this happened

As a vessel of my thoughts, this little corner of the internet I call my own became a vessel of my negativity, and good god was there a lot of it.

I started this blog at a very abrupt turning point in my life.

Let's cut to grade eleven. For whatever reason, things got dark for me about this time. I could blame it on whatever, but this is when I learned the hard way to be very careful about people I let close in to my life, (and I gotta admit, I'm still kinda learning.)

This is where I became very jealous, insecure, and kinda frightened by people. I was still posting then, so I won't dwell on this TOO much seeing as I commented on it as it was happening, but in retrospect it is always different.

One main thing that bugs me more now than it did before was all the name calling and labeling I was going through. By others, and myself. Like, I couldn't fucking figure out who I was and I didn't really get that I could just take a deep breath and be me, because what that meant to everyone else isnt SUPPOSED to mean anything to me.

In watching everyone else be themselves, and trying to be like them, I ultimately made myself more... Different. But not the good kind of different that everyone just is, that horrible kind of different that nobody wants. This forced isolation and sudden insecurity drove me into a sort of emotional numbness. I didn't have any emotion in whatever I was doing, and my personality was very lacking.

Things did get better in grade eleven though. Something kinda popped and I came out of myself after MUCH trial and error. Let's fast forward to that summer before grade twelve.

I started working outside, someone was crazy enough to trust me with power tools, and it was a majorly rewarding experience all around. Doing that kind of work made me feel way better and more confident in myself, and all I could focus on was my own self improvement. This may explain why this summer was my least social. But as ever it was not to last.

I underwent a significant nervous breakdown at the end of that summer. And here I thought I was getting better! I didnt know what I was gonna do with myself, and I was frightened at the end of my wits that it was gonna happen again at some point! (and, you know happen they did)

I gotta say however that my last year of school was a pretty entertaining one, albeit with its rough takeoff.

In all this pussy bullshit, I had forgotten where my friends were and how to deal with other people, but that did eventually change.

And you know what? I had an amazing time! Me and my friends played Pathfinder together, I got to start (and kinda end) a band with some younger kids, it was nothing short of exciting and fun! And yeah, I guess these are all posts for another time :P

And I guess that's pretty much all I have to say for now. You guys deserved an explanation, like always. I feel like in most decent writing there's a barrier between the reader and what they're reading. I dont want to be a decent writer though so, don't go expecting too much of that. I've done some learning, I know what I'm capable of.


So I guess in other terms, I'm back? With a liiittle more to talk about than just my pills and my brain. Stay tuned, my little luminescent saboteurs!