Monday, October 3, 2011

More Mental Disorders and other things that suck.

Hey. Guess what? My plan totally fell through.

My initial driving force?
My motivation?
My every inch of feeling I put behind this little blog that thought it could but really, really couldnt?

Yeah. It just deteriorated. Any aspect of desire I had to keep this going has just suddenly died.

...And the worst part?

I know why.

I know why this all fell through.

I know what happened to me.

In case you guys havent noticed, I've been kinda down lately.

I've been very selective as to who I talk about these feelings with (Ive only really told two people whats going on)

One of them being Ms. Barclay, my CALM teacher. (The course sucks, but- this teacher is one super rad lady, I'll get to that in a minute) she picked up and related to this instantly.

She told me it sounded like depression.

Like, not just teen angsty hormonal sad, but actual honest to goodness depression.

This fact scared me. What scared me more is this isnt just something i can repress and run away from. This feeling is something that creeped up on me until I couldn't escape it. It surrounded me. this looming heavy sense of doubt and despair, that little voice in tha bck of my head that kept saying "you can't" making a rapid crescendo.

And it feels absolutely awful.

Some days you dont even feel like living.

Other days you feel like you're not fit for the world around you, like theres something wrong with you. Something so wrong that you dont even belong.

sometimes it just becomes too much, you become so overwhelmed that you cant fight it anymore, so you break down and curl up into this ball, a decrepit shell building around you, just you contained with all of your loud negative feelings. You dont feel ready for the world. You feel totally ready to have the world have its way with you.

I say again, this feels absolutely. Awful.

And the worst part, again?

You dont even know why. You can't figure out the main cause of this awful feeling, and you cant fight it. You just have to sit there. Sit there and deal. Let it become way bigger than you can endure, and let it break you down into nothing.

Ms. Barclay showed me somehting today.
She showed me that there are people out there who are on the same boat as I am.
She showed me there are people out there, that when it feels like the entire world has turned its back on you, there are people that care. there are people that will always care.

...I just really felt the need to share that with you. I havent had a proper update in over four months, and you deserve an explanation.