I am very jealous of everybody because it seems while theyre off actually properly learning things and retaining information that they are perfectly right to view as important and crucial in order to advance as a human being, I'm left wondering about some crazy irrelevant shit that's just gonna get me run over by a train because I never paid attention to what common sense is. A perfect example are these two sentences I just wrote. Look at them! Rife with leaps and bounds of logic and massive implications that you are on the same page as me in terms of what I am thinking about! I can't even make sense of what I just said five minutes ago! What the hell is wrong with me, where do I fall short that literally everyone else just keeps going. I am so below average in terms of everything that the expectation to be a normal, cognizent human being is so above me that the fact I can get out of bed and to school in the morning is a MOMENTOUS FUCKING ACHEIVEMENT FOR ME. I'M LATE AT LEAST TWICE A WEEK. THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE.
I've blamed all kinds of things for my shortcomings, but in the end it all boils down to me just... being terrible. How does everyone else do it? how does one be average?
I've never learned this, because it just comes naturally to everyone else, that no one can properly teach it because they aren't FUCKING RETARDED.
ALSO ANOTHER THING.
I'M TIRED OF APOLOGIZING. APOLOGIES ARE SUCH BULLSHIT. WHO CAME UP WITH THAT CONCEPT ANYWAY, LIKE... IT CAN FIX THE PAST, OR SOME SHIT? NO. IT CANT. I'M DONE SAYING I'M SORRY.
I'M DONE HAVING THINGS TO BE SORRY ABOUT.
I'M SEVENTEEN FOR GOD SAKES, ITS TIME TO TAKE THE REINS OF MY EXISTANCE AND ACTUALLY IMPROVE MYSELF, AND BECOME A FULLY FUNCTIONING SELF RELIANT MACHINE OF EXCELLENCE. BECAUSE WHAT I AM NOW CLEARLY ISNT THAT AND ITS STUPID. ALSO, THE WAY I AM NOW ISNT FAIR TO ANYONE ELSE. IN BEING SELF SUFFICIENT, YOU BECOME MORE ACCOMODATING TO THE THINGS OTHER PEOPLE NEED AND THATS AWESOME.
i just had a very interesting conversation with myself about self consciousness.
I like coming to terms with the fact that I am losing my mind.
just so long as everything else stays in place I should be fine.
When you are self conscious, you have a mind full of truths, and confessions and things that you want to say but cant, because you carry this very natural fear of things changing. You have experienced change before and are adverse to it, because you are still adjusting to things. if things were to change more, you would have more to adjust to and that is not okay.