I also remember when I wrote often and didnt like eggs unless they were scrambled, had to pretend to care about how late for school I was, and didn't work at a strip club as a daytime DJ for way more than I think I deserve.
Anyway, Joey and the punk "scene"
I write "scene", because like, I mean sure I really liked the music, and aesthetic attatched to punk rock, and still do, I never really looked for the "scene" in my city. Part of being a suburbanite prisoner, I guess. You kinda get spooked at whats out there. Another thing though, I guess all through my more younger years, in that back half of going to school, I was terrified that I wasn't doing punk right at all. It all came from the lack of approval I got from any of my friends and stuff. A few of my peers humored me, but I was pretty sure we all had no idea what I was going for in the first place, and if anyone who did were to see me, there would be some hell in a handbasket waiting for me. And for something I loved so much, I really REALLY didnt want to be ostracized from it. So I never really sought out for the other punk rockers in my city. I kinda made it up as I went along, I guess. Getting a few ideas from the internet and going on hours of hours of sleepless nights, clicking through albums on youtube, and dancning in my basement violently and passionately, wailing on a borrowed drumset and thinking i could go places with this (I dont know why I'm using the past tense here). I wouldnt settle for just "becoming one of them", no I could be the NEW thing! No one ELSE was doing it right! I was! I was going out of my way to have a spot on grainy high pitched punk voice with JUST enough Jello Biafra influence, I was reading the Communist Manifesto and Scott Pilgrim, researching things like Anarchy and New Mexico and Pat the Bunny I was learning guitar, bass, and drums simultaniously, painting my nice jacket my mommy bought me when I was 15, everything!
I guess what ended up happening was, the fear went away. I kinda learned through all of the crazy that I wasnt being "punk" or anything, what I was trying to do all along was be myself, like literally every other kid my age. Difference was I was just kinda more... idk verbal about it. I tried writing down who I was, the evidence is all under here. I mean, of course Im still trying to figure it all out, but I dont know, I guess its just not that big a deal for me anymore. Lifes become less of an adolescent cry for identity, and more of a collective day to day bulletin board, full of mistakes and how to learn from them.
I remember I loved fall out boy in elementary school. Fall Out Boy, Sum 41, The Offspring, Blink 182, Avenged Sevenfold, all bands I'd resent later in life for literally no solid reason. My entire life was just high pitched acidic stress over my shoulders for the longest time. And a lot of it just kinda came from liking music (no. I didnt like music. I just liked to hate it. I liked to bitch about nothing thinking everyone loved it every time I opened my mouth.) and thinking it affected who I was as a person to a crazy degree. I've kept quiet about this for like, ever, because this lesson kinda has gone without say for all eternity and i just... was so late to the party that Nick was already throwing up in the laundry room sink, but yeah, finding out the concepts of subjectivity and keeping your damn mouth shut sometimes (most times) ...(all the time) fixed damn near everything in my life. My passion can really like, explode like it should, things make sense, I'm not overlooking minutiae thinking its conceptual, I'm finally GETTING SHIT DONE, and I'm getting help where I really need it. The kind of help that makes you better off as a person I'd like to think.
Not to mention, I'm working hard, following my passion, and enjoying every minute of it all. The stress, the excitement, the apprehension, the ups and downs, its all so crazy beyond words, but it is all so so relevant to me and inescapable that I can't not live in the moment. Refusing to let my fear guide me, but instead breaking out that super sweet little Jack Sparrow compass and letting my passion take me on a super crazy adventure through time and beyond.
Anyway, what was I talking about? Punk rock? Right.
I dunno, I feel like I started with it, and took it as far as I could. The it sorta branched out for me, made me see the good in a lot of things, and kinda taught me how to be myself, I guess? I dunno why, but it kinda feels like thats a hard thing to do. Ive kinda picked up on this just through chatting with people, the whole concept of solidarity and being yourself is a whole other case to crack, though. Big subjective subject, that one.
I guess what ive taken away from this is like... Punks a lot bigger than what I ever thought it was. And that's a pretty rad thing. Its more of a spirit than an attitude, or an aesthetic, or a music genre. Dave Grohl once said something along the lines of rock being so incredible because youll sing something to 80'000 people, and theyll all sing it back for 80'000 different reasons. I feel like that embodies the whole idea beautifully.
Just be true to yourself, and you're gonna have a rad time with life.
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