Aw man I gotta name it, too?

I either have all drawings, or all writing these days, don't I?

Well, theres LOTS of this. Lots of random stuff kickin around.

I've missed this, whatever it is.

I think I'll get back to it.

MY writing gets better when I practice.

Let's get the self deprecation out of the way quickly

I feel like I'm due for a verbal beating.

I don't know why, like, its not like I've done a whole lot wrong, but I still feel like I'm going unpunished for something.

And no, no one is going to want to read this, I understand.

But I really don't care one way or another! This is my blog, not yours, I shall post what I feel like posting. Deal with it. End of thought.

Okay. So, in typical teenaged boy fashion, I am VERY insecure, made jealous VERY easily (despite being in the WORST. DENIAL. EVER.), and am VERY incapable of handling these feelings I don't like.

Like, they don't just feel bad in my head or whatever?

It gets me to the point where I can't eat or can't sleep. Can't enjoy myself. I will randomly start hurting places. Nothing feels good. I feel awful, and there's nothing I can do.

Okay. Now here comes the part where I'm actually very afraid and very self conscious about what I am saying and putting online. I'm sure there are LOTS of depressing and self-absorbed blog posts like

this, being written right now, explaining a lot of worse things. Like things that actually matter and are real issues. But this is my head i'm trying to juice here. I have no reasons to feel bad or

insecure. And if I do, then there has GOT to be a many more reasons to feel good about myself. But I haven't felt good about myself for years. Well, I'm not too sure if that is true or not, but I cant

really remember the last time I really deserved to feel good about myself. Maybe just because I'm in a terrible mood right now and don't want to remember. OH god, I AM SUCH A FUCKING WHINY KID.

I'm glad I could vent out some of my shitty angst.

I'm also REALLY bad at painting space marines?

BUT REALLY REALLY GOOD AT PUTTING SKELETONS TOGETHER

FECK YERRRRRRRRRRHHHHHHHHHHH.

...without a trace

and then he DISSAPEARED INTO NOTHING

How do I pay attention to anything agh

I am very jealous of everybody because it seems while theyre off actually properly learning things and retaining information that they are perfectly right to view as important and crucial in order to advance as a human being, I'm left wondering about some crazy irrelevant shit that's just gonna get me run over by a train because I never paid attention to what common sense is. A perfect example are these two sentences I just wrote. Look at them! Rife with leaps and bounds of logic and massive implications that you are on the same page as me in terms of what I am thinking about! I can't even make sense of what I just said five minutes ago! What the hell is wrong with me, where do I fall short that literally everyone else just keeps going. I am so below average in terms of everything that the expectation to be a normal, cognizent human being is so above me that the fact I can get out of bed and to school in the morning is a MOMENTOUS FUCKING ACHEIVEMENT FOR ME. I'M LATE AT LEAST TWICE A WEEK. THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE.

I've blamed all kinds of things for my shortcomings, but in the end it all boils down to me just... being terrible. How does everyone else do it? how does one be average?

I've never learned this, because it just comes naturally to everyone else, that no one can properly teach it because they aren't FUCKING RETARDED.

ALSO ANOTHER THING.

I'M TIRED OF APOLOGIZING. APOLOGIES ARE SUCH BULLSHIT. WHO CAME UP WITH THAT CONCEPT ANYWAY, LIKE... IT CAN FIX THE PAST, OR SOME SHIT? NO. IT CANT. I'M DONE SAYING I'M SORRY.

I'M DONE HAVING THINGS TO BE SORRY ABOUT.

I'M SEVENTEEN FOR GOD SAKES, ITS TIME TO TAKE THE REINS OF MY EXISTANCE AND ACTUALLY IMPROVE MYSELF, AND BECOME A FULLY FUNCTIONING SELF RELIANT MACHINE OF EXCELLENCE. BECAUSE WHAT I AM NOW CLEARLY ISNT THAT AND ITS STUPID. ALSO, THE WAY I AM NOW ISNT FAIR TO ANYONE ELSE. IN BEING SELF SUFFICIENT, YOU BECOME MORE ACCOMODATING TO THE THINGS OTHER PEOPLE NEED AND THATS AWESOME.

i just had a very interesting conversation with myself about self consciousness.
I like coming to terms with the fact that I am losing my mind.
just so long as everything else stays in place I should be fine.
When you are self conscious, you have a mind full of truths, and confessions and things that you want to say but cant, because you carry this very natural fear of things changing. You have experienced change before and are adverse to it, because you are still adjusting to things. if things were to change more, you would have more to adjust to and that is not okay.

Why Is it so important to me

To let you know that my WTF behaviour is not an effort to look creative or abstractly delightful, or even charmingly befuddled?


Its just cause thats who I am.

Whats going on!?

And why do I love it so much?!

SERIOUSLY WHY DO I LOVE IT SO MUCH

Stircraziness

You don't feel stircraziness when you're listening to good music.
Its when the music goes off, and you're left in your own thoughts. that's when it really settles.